2008-10-30 Bertil-sesion7.avi

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2008-10-30 Bertil-sesion7.avi

Duration: 1 hour, 15 minutes and 49 seconds

Country: Sweden

Language: Swedish

License: CC - Attribution Non-commercial No Derivatives

Genre: None

Posted by: erikrune on Nov 5, 2008

Uploaded Nov 5

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So, how long has it been? Three weeks?
Yes, something like that.
Did you buy new shoes?
No, certainly not.
You wouldn't believe me if I told you how old these shoes are. But they are well kept.
They are from the late 20th century.
OK, so how is it going?
- Are you looking at me? Well...
No, you start. Since you have the kids. - What am I going to start with?
I'm tired.
All right, but here's what I'm thinking.
How are you doing? And do each and every one of you know how the rest of you are doing?
I'm asking the question, but I'm thinking
if you all know how you are doing and how you're doing together as a group
maybe someone can let me know. That's what I would like.
And if you don't know, perhaps you can think about it together.
- No, I don't know.
- Me neither. I really don't know since I don't see Sebastian that often.
- I don't see him that often either.
Sometimes I see him at dinner.
(illegible)
- But he's here now, so if you haven't seen him, you can ask him now.
- Sure, but there are phones too.
- Fine, but I'm not going to call to ask: "How are you?"
- No, but you could maybe call and remind him to come over.
- Sure.
How are you Sebastian? - I'm feeling fine.
- Have you been playing video games late at night?
- I've been up pretty late, but I have gone to bed at a decent hour.
But if you start playing around 1 AM and then play for a couple of hours, how is that "a decent hour?"
Who has the account? - What account?
- Don't you have to have an account in order to play? - Right. I have an account.
I just bought a new game.
- And you play with Martin? Or is it Fredrik?
- Fredrik plays as well.
- And who is he? How do you know him?
- He used to live in Saloberg when he was a kid, then he moved to Norrtälje and now he's back.
And then we started to hang out again.
- So he lives in your neighborhood? - Yes.
By "the yellow."
- The yellow house. - Next to the house where Rebecka lives.
- So dad doesn't know how you're doing, but he knows what you do at night? How does that work?
- Well, that information comes from Maria.
- So you have talked to each other? - Yes, just now.
- On your way into this room? - Yes. - Yes.
- But I like that he's home on time these days.
And it's great that he brings home friends.
It's great.
Although, I wish I would see more of you.
And you Isa haven't been home much either recently. - No.
- So how is Isa doing?
- I'm tired and have a sore throat, but apart from that, I'm good.
- Have you been to the doctor? - Yes.
- Did you get penicillin? - No.
- They tested for both strep throat and tonsillitis.
But they both came back negative.
- Can you bring up whatever you want?
- Anyone may speak? - Yes.
- In that case, I'd like to bring up what me and Isa talked about earlier.
That you are quarreling with Carro.
I don't know if we're quarreling, but we're not speaking to each other.
- You don't speak to each other?
And you said that you didn't know why or how this is?
When did this start, if I may ask?
- A few months ago maybe.
- A few months ago? - Yes, one or two months ago.
- OK, that's what you think? - Yes.
- How did you discover this? That she wouldn't talk?
- I got home and then...she didn't say hi and I didn't say hi. That's it.
- Do you want help to resolve this conflict?
- I don't know if it's a conflict at all.
- Well, don't you find it a little bit strange that you don't speak to each other?
- I don't speak more with Alex than I do with Carro.
- No, but Alex is a few years older.
You and Carro were always joking together before.
- Sure, but I don't see this as an actual problem.
- But it can't be much fun for you to come to my house when there's a person there who won't speak to you?
- I can talk to her if I want to.
- Maybe they have nothing to talk about?
Carro and Isa are really different.
- Yes, they are.
Bu there's got to be something to talk about when they haven't spoken for two months.
Isn't that right Sebastian? - What's that?
There's got to be something to talk about if they haven't spoken for two months.
Would you like me to solve this somehow?
- Really, I don't think there's a problem.
I don't really know what I think. - Pardon?
- I'm not sure what I think.
- Now, I don't really know who Carro is.
Although perhaps I should know who she is.
- Carro is my wife's youngest daughter and she's the same age as Isa.
And she lives at home with us.
- But dad cares. He's wondering what's going on.
Do you know that? That dad cares?
- Yes, we talked about it a little bit.
This summer.
- Yes, and back then I asked if you knew why.
- I have spoken to...or perhaps you should continue?
- No. - Yes, that's probably good.
Dad cares. But I'm not sure how concerned he is about this.
Here's what I'm thinking:
Carro lives with us full time. Isa doesn't.
Isa hasn't established the same sort of routines around the house that Carro has since Carro lives there.
And that makes it more difficult for Isa when she does live with us. Especially if there's one person there who is not speaking to her.
Even before you've entered the house, there's a sort of resistance.
I'm thinking that it would be easier for Isa if there was a good relationship between the two of you.
Then of course, you might not always want to talk to each other.
But there's got to be a reason why you guys don't talk to each other.
- Yes, that you work it out.
- But I don't know why we don't speak to each other.
- No, I understand that you don't, but I do.
- What is it then? - I don't want to tell.
In that case, we'll work this out and we'll do it at home.
- OK.
It's not a big deal this. But it becomes a big deal.
- So, Mats cares and Isa cares too?
- Sure, I care. But I don't know...
It's not something I think about a lot.
- Sure, but when dad brought this up, you responded immediately and asked what it was about.
And that shows that you care. That you care a lot.
OK, that sounds good.
And then the next question you bring up. If you are going to continue to talk about this
or do it at home. And that is a pretty reasonable question.
- Yes, but if we are going to talk about this, I'd like all parties involved to be present.
- You're nodding. That sounds reasonable, right?
You can choose whether to talk about it at home or bring them here.
- Well, the latter is not an alternative. - No.
- No, I was joking a bit around this.
It was a joke.
But there was something serious in that too.
Because you are both showing that you're interested in this issue.
And you want to resolve this. And you certainly can.
To what extent are you going to use Sebastian's help
when you bring this up?
- Should I answer? - No, you answer.
Not at all I would think. Since this is a problem between Isa and Carro.
- What do you think about this suggestion Isa?
- Yeah, this doesn't concern Sebastian, so...
- No, absolutely not. - "Don't involve me in this" is that what you're thinking?
- OK. And you are in agreement regarding this?
- Yes, that's what I think.
- What does Sebastian think about this? Would he like to contribute somehow?
- No.
Why would I do that? I've got nothing to do with it.
- Can't you be the Realtor? - No.
- Realtor? It's called mediator. - Right, Realtors sell houses.
- I was thinking about the expression "to broker peace."
No, that's something that Isa can take care of.
With Carro, me and maybe Maj.
Another thing Sebastian. You have to come home and live with us sometimes.
You can't blame the distance to your school any longer.
- No, but I can blame it on my friends instead.
- But I'm telling you that you have to, Sebastian.
Partly because I want you to spend time with dad
but also because I need a few days by myself in my house.
- Why can't I just go to a friend's house?
- No, I would like you to live at my house.
- I don't want to be there. - But I want to see you.
- Well, then we can see each other somewhere else. - No.
I want to have dinner with you.
- We can eat out instead. - No, no last time it ended up being really expensive.
- Why don't you want to be there?
- It's boring there. There's nothing to do there. I hate it.
- Well, when you're at your mom's place, you play video games.
There's a computer in my house too.
- I don't want to play video games all the time.
- What do you do at your mom's that you can't do at my place?
- I'm not at my mom's that much.
That's what you don't get. I'm never "home" as in "home."
I'm occasionally home for dinner.
Then I get home 1 AM and I wake up mom and tell her "Hi, I'm home."
And then I go to bed.
Then I wake up, go take a shower, go downstairs and come upstairs again in case there's food being served.
Then I leave the house, come home around 1 AM , wake up mom and tell her I'm home.
Yes, now that you don't have to go to school. Normally, you have to be home by 10 PM.
Yes, normally it's 10 PM.
But it is true.
I'm not at home anywhere. I don't want to be home.
- When you're hanging out with your friends, where are you then?
Sometimes we're outside. Sometimes at Fredrik's place. Sometimes at Martin's.
- So it's OK to hang out at their houses?
- Sure it is. - What's the difference?
- When you're home you have to...no, I don't know. I don't like to be home.
Well, you can smoke at Robin's place. - Yes we can.
- Who is Robin? Is that the guy downstairs? - Yes.
- And you're allowed to drink there too. - No, only if you're over 18. I can't drink down there.
Well, I don't think the people over 18 are going to stop you.
- No, maybe not, but Siv does.
- I don't believe you.
If she goes to bed to sleep.
- Not when she's at work. - That's what I thought. When she's at work.
- How is this working out Sebastian? How's this for dad?
He's telling you that he wants to see you in a very clear way.
That he wants to be with you. He wants to spend time with you.
- He can be with me, but I don't want to be in Kista.
- But I can't spend time with you at Robin's, Martin's or Fredrik's.
- No, but you could...
We don't have to be at home.
- But every now and again Sebastian.
Listen to me. You have been at my house for a year and a half.
And during this time, you've spent maybe three weeks at your dad's place.
Not more than that. - That's enough.
- How do you think your dad feels when you put it like this?
Well, you're not really investigating how this makes your dad feel. You added something there.
- What? - Yes, you're saying that he can be with you.
So you're not making it seem as harsh.
But I'm still wondering: how does it make your dad feel?
- He can see me somewhere else. Somewhere that's not home.
I can meet him out somewhere. Or we can go see a soccer game together.
- That's not quality time.
- OK, then let's go eat a pizza instead.
But my question Sebastian: How does it make your dad feel?
Do you know what he's thinking or feeling?
- No.
- Can you check with him? - What do you think? What do you feel?
- I feel like I miss you. I want to be with you.
Uh-huh. Unfortunately I'm already taken. - Ha ha, that's not what I meant.
But I want to be with you both through the good times and the bad.
- Yeah sure, but I don't like the bad times.
I'm not interested in that.
- No, but there are bad times sometimes.
- It depends. If you can't figure out what to do with your time, sure.
- And...how does this make you feel Sebastian?
He's smiling in a very ambiguous way that is hard to interpret.
It's as if he's happy and almost flattered
to hear that his dad wants to spend time with him.
At the same time he's fending it off somehow. I'm not sure.
- No, I don't know either.
- Why don't you ask him.
- Do you feel flattered? Do you feel good when I tell you that I want to spend time with you?
I don't feel happy or sad.
- I want to hear what you're doing in school, how everything is going in school, what you're thinking about.
I don't spend a lot of time thinking about school.
I do what I have to do.
- What does Isa say? What did you say?
Mom told me to relax and then told her that I can't.
She's got neck pain.
- Sure, you have a hard time relaxing. No wonder with the sore throat.
That happens.
But I'm still wondering what goes through your head when you hear
your brother and father talk to each other like this.
- When you hear that he's only been there 3 weeks during a year and a half, that doesn't feel like a lot of time.
Less than a month.
Although I know that it is pretty boring in Kista.
But I'm there, so it can't be that hard to spend more time there.
- Do I understand you correctly now? Do you wish that Sebastian could spend more time there?
- Well, I don't care that much whether he's there or not.
But I'm thinking it would be good for dad and him if he's there more.
- I care a lot because I know how sad it makes Mats and what he wants.
We talk quite a lot about it: that you want him to come.
- You should have thought about that before you bought the house in Kista.
That it's really far for us to travel.
- Hm, we did think about that.
- Then why did you buy it?
- That was the only place we could all fit. Where we could all get our own rooms.
- Right, because my room is really big.
Well, when we bought the house you wanted a small room.
- She wanted her own room.
- When we lived in the apartment, you complained that it was too large.
- Well, I was young then and afraid of large rooms.
- It's obvious that even Maria cares about your wish
to see the kids more often.
I don't know...we have talked about this before, but...
I'm still interested in whether you as parents
can do something to make this better.
Right now we're talking a lot about Sebastian and Isa.
But I don't know if there's a possibility
if there's something you can do?
You could even try...
Can you switch chairs with Sebastian?
- Why?
- So that you don't have to talk all the time. You can do whatever you want over there.
And if you can turn the chairs so that they face each other a little more.
Then you can take some time off now. But you can listen if you want.
And then you two can talk. Is there something you two can do?
- Well, I feel like we have tried so many different things.
But I think we have to reach out more.
Be more foresighted. What we talked about outside.
- Yes, making plans isn't exactly our forte.
Right, if you call the same day, they always have something planned already.
- Yes, to plan better.
- But we have tried. I've almost forced them to be with you.
But that didn't work.
- No, that time it didn't work.
- Did you agree then?
Did you try to force them together?
- Yes, that was all about Sebastian spending more time at my place.
But he ran away and stayed away.
- But you two had talked about it? And you agreed?
- Yes, that was planned. We discussed it and agreed.
We have no problems agreeing about that
but we never succeed in working it out.
- And I have a hard time saying:
"Go to your dad's. You have to go to dad's because I can't stand it any longer."
- You are not allowed to talk to the kids now.
- No, but you know about that. Because I feel really bad about that.
Because I feel like I'm driving them away. That I don't love them. That I don't want them.
And I feel really guilty.
But more and more I dare to say:
"I want to be left alone. Go to your dad's!"
But I never succeed in doing that.
- What if we try to decide on certain days. Fixed days.
- But I immediately feel...
It feels rather hopeless right now.
- Right, but we have to hear from Sebastian that he accepts this.
- Yes, he has to accept it. He has to promise and then keep his promise.
- Yes, and how are you going to make Sebastian keep his promise?
- Money. No, I'm joking. I'm just joking.
- Isa, there's nobody home. You can stop with the knocking.
- I think we should take a little break here.
Because when Isa is knocking, she wants to say something.
What is it that you want to say?
- Mom uses the word "them" all the time when it comes to me and Sebastian.
But I'm with dad every other week. As much as I am at your place.
So you can't say that you have tried to force "us."
- No, that's right. I lump the two of you together a lot. It's not right of me to do so.
We have talked about that.
- OK. Go on with what you were talking about.
- Yes, how are we going to get Sebastian to accept this?
- I was more thinking that you had gotten pretty far.
You identify separate difficulties.
Mats has a hard time planning ahead.
Nothing comes of it. It's always last minute.
And Maria feels guilty.
She feels guilty.
It's great. You are very quick and direct about the difficulties that you have.
The next step is to help each other
to work out these difficulties that you have mentioned.
Try it!

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2008-10-30 Bertil-sesion7.avi

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